pb&j

relationships are like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. each piece of bread represents a spouse, the peanut butter represents the love and attention, the shared moments together and the growth as a couple, the jelly represents all the bad things, the stress, the arguments, yata yata...when you put the peanut butter on, you lay it on thick, its good and there can almost never be too much peanut butter. now the jelly on the other hand, you put too much jelly on and it ruins the whole sandwich, you put just enough jelly and it gives the sandwich character. when bites are taken out of the sandwich, the sandwich changes shape and seems different, but on the inside its the same as when the sandwich was made, except the jelly tends to squirt out the sides leaving mostly peanut butter. which is pretty good.

swept up

there is a major battle going on inside of me between what matters and what doesn't. i feel like i've lost sight of what i am meant to do and i have fallen victim to life. the stupid, unimportant, stressful, aspects of life that shape you into the mold of this world. i don't want to be a mold of this world. i want to be a mold of what the Lord wants me to be, something not of this world. i can't figure out where this turn occured or when i gave up and let myself fall into the routine of uselessness. i have so many opportunities around me and so many ways i can make a difference, and yet i sit here and pitty myself over stupid things like having no tv or being too tired to clean the kitchen. what is wrong with me?! i was on this path laid down by the Lord and then in an instant, an instant i can't even put my finger on, i'm fighting my way through branches and tripping over rocks on completely pointless paths to follow. now i'm scared my gps won't work and i won't find my way back to the path i was on to begin with. i have these moments where its like everything just stops, like those slow motion moments in movies, and i just sit there and think to myself, 'when did i become this person?'...'when did i lose sight of what's important?'...and then like that i'm out of my moment and the world is spinning at insane speeds and i'm pulled back into the whirlwind of this life. i tell my husband all the time to have faith, to just forget about the stress and the negative and to just trust that things will work out. why is it so easy for me to say that and believe it when it comes to our struggles in life, but when it comes to the struggles going on inside of me, its like i can't find that strength. i think too much. what happened to prayer? it works...so why can't i trust in it like i used to?

unable to name the feeling

i applied. again. so we will see what the Lord has in store for me. i have to say i am secretly praying that i will get in. i want this so bad. but at the same time i'm worried about how this could affect Kailyn. the last thing i want to be is selfish, i'm afraid this is me being selfish. maybe not. i want to get a degree so i can help her. i don't know. i just need to stop thinking and keep praying. it's not up to me anyway. it's in the Lord's hands and with that i need to push it out of my head and just rely on my God. He knows what is in my heart and He also knows what's best for me better than i know myself. i become so unsure and unaware of myself so easily. i'm done with that. i should have all the confidence in the world through my Lord. i need to work on that.

off subject: something new i want to try...

i want to try very hard to do at least one arts & craft project with Kailyn a week this fall...

i want to have at least one movie night a month with my hubby...

i want to go to church every sunday...

i want to just stop and relax at least one time a day...

and i want to focus on what is best for my family, not what everyone else thinks is best for us.

i'm hoping if i do these few things, life will be a little less stressful. but most of all i really need to devote myself to prayer each day. without God, none of this will make any difference.

they're called tent sales

so certain retail stores in college station do these things called tshirt tent sales. basically there are a bunch a tents set up on home game weekends and they sell their tshirts for $5 to $7 and their other items for cheaper. i am obsessed. great aggie shirts...cheap prices...all over town just about every other weekend. its perfection. oh! and hoodies for $15! that's amazing! anyway...i just had to share. i don't think i'll ever shop at a store again.

on another note. i'm exploiting my child. haha. i entered her in the gap casting call contest so go vote for her she's under the name Kailyn M. submitted by smilebyfaith. you can vote once a day! she's too cute not to show off.

DaiLy ReMiNdeRs

Kailyn came up to me and started to take off my slippers, i went "Kailyn, what are you doing? Mommy is wearing those...". She took both of them off and grabbed one of my feet and i said, "Kailyn, what are you doing?" and she pulled out a baby wipe and said, "I'm washing mommy's feet." ...at that moment, all i could do was think of Jesus. I'm reminded by the Lord everyday just how blessed i am to have my Kailyn girl.

OuTdOoR AdVeNTuReS

we went to the park today to have a picnic and let kailyn run around! she had so much fun! i haven't seen her giggle and run around like that since we've moved here, that made me so happy to see her happy like that. it made me think that maybe i should take her to a park at least 4 times a month, i could even put her in her stroller and make it a walk outing. poor thing, she's 2 and she's been cooped up in this apartment for a while, i think its time we start exploring the town and giving her some outside enjoyment. we could even go up to the campus and walk around. haha everytime we pass by kyle field she yells "go aggies wall!!!" she's so cute. i'm having a lot of fun spending time with her and today has to have been one of the best days since we've moved here!

TiNy ThiNgS

me and kailyn had a good round of singing princess songs the other day, it was so fun! some times i really like to just act like i'm her age again and enjoy life the same way she does. it makes me feel like i'm young and innocent again...no care in the world. nothing to worry about, nothing to keep my mind preoccupied. i love moments like that. she'll ask me to come dance with her in her room some times, i get the same feeling when i follow her in there and twirl around with her. that smile on her face makes me just fall in love with that feeling. it's beautiful.

something i didn't plan on having a problem with was balancing my love and attention between my daughter and my hubby, but lately, as it was pointed out to me in a late night disagreement, i have been focusing much more attention and love towards my daughter. who knew it would be so hard to notice the line? i figured if i started leaning more towards one side i'd realize it right away and just revert right back to the middle. yeah...not so much. i really need to sit back and re-evaluate how i'm handling things, because the last thing i want to do is neglect my hubby. i want things to be wonderful between me and my hubby so i definitely need to do something about this. maybe i need to be a little more spontaneous and a give him more kisses during the day. or maybe i need to lighten up and realize i'm not going to be perfect at this whole stay at home mom thing and just enjoy time with him during the day. yep...that sounds good.