1 down....11 to go.

well as it nears the end of the month, having tried my best to attain my goal of keeping positive, i have to say, i'm not quite sure how well i did. i kept happy things around me as constant reminders of positivity, but most days they just got buried under a pile of bills or paperwork. i thought carefully about the comments i was making and decided to go with the most positive approach, so in that aspect, i'd say i got an A. as for being positive all the time....maybe a D-. but hey, it's still passing, right? i've learned that with a two year old who thinks she runs the house and a hubby who's always either at school or work, it's not all daisies and sunshine all the time. i don't know how i thought i could make it seem that way. i have to say, trying to be happy when i wasn't feeling happy, made me feel worse than just admitting that i wasn't happy at that given moment. it took me back to a time in my life when i would go months with a fake smile and fabricated positivity, while on the inside i was kicking and screaming at what was going on. i'm glad those days are over and all i'm dealing with now are the simple stresses of mommy-hood. all in all, i have a wonderful life and if i could just take a moment to reflect on that whenever the world is weighing down on my shoulders, i think i'll be fine. so, with this goal came an almost impossible task, but it allowed me to gain perspective on what approach i should take when having a bad day. that in itself makes me feel like i have accomplished something.

sunlight

lately, as Kailyn's nap time nears, the warm afternoon sun begins to shine through the blinds casting bright lines of light on our living room floor. the atmosphere is calm and lazy, willing us to lay around enjoying the relaxing warmth of the sun's heat through the window. it brings me back to my childhood. i remember during the spring and summer, the sun would shine through our back door, which was basically a large glass window pane with a doorknob. there would be a rectangular shape of sunlight cast out on the ground perpendicular to the door. it was so calming for some reason. there was this warmth in the air and as we walked around the house, there was just a sense of calmness. for years i missed those days. nothing could quite replicate it, until now. its so amazing to me how similar the feeling is to when i was younger. it makes me wonder if Kailyn is etching the same kind of feelings and memories into her head. i wonder if years from now, when she is enjoying the lazy afternoons with her children, if she will look back the way i am now, and think of these days as being so peaceful and so perfect. i love afternoons like these, they bring back fond childhood memories while at the same time allowing me to create new ones with my own little girl.

refresh

so after much procrastination i have finally taken down all the Christmas decorations. it feels so refreshing actually. endless possibilities are within reach as soon as you let go of the past. in a way, even though the new year is well in motion, every time i walked into the living room and saw all the holiday decor, it brought me back to the end of last year. today, once everything was clear, the furniture was placed, and the carpet was no longer covered in glitter, i felt this overwhelming sense of freedom. it was like i could breath again. which i know sounds really strange since we are talking about little snowmen, santas, and an oversize fake tree covered in glittery non-sense. it was just a daily reminder of the past...i'm so ready to just embrace my present, but every time i would see the tree and decorations it was like i was pulled back into last year. memories...good and bad...feelings, thoughts...yata yata. jumble really. i like to remember the wonderful things in life, the moments that counted for something and helped bring me to where i am today. the negative i like to toss out like an old pair of smelly sneakers...but for some reason, even though you've tossed them out, every time you pass the trash can, you can still smell them. it's not until you get rid of the trash completely, that you are able to forget about them. in a way, that's what taking down the decorations meant for me. getting rid of last year completely...well...expect for the good memories of course, and moving on with whatever great adventures there may be waiting for me this year.

Jeremiah 29:11

January: Be LeSS NeGaTiVe

so, this year i'm doing things a little bit differently. instead of a new years resolution that i am destined to forget by march, i've decided to set monthly goals instead. one goal per month, that way i won't try to stretch one long term resolution over a whole year and inevitably fail. anyway, i've taken my planner and gone through each month selecting various goals to put in each one. when i open to a new month, i will see that goal first thing and thus forth try to reach that goal by the end of the month, just in time to move on to the next one. i see it like this, if i am able to follow these monthly goals, then by the end of the year i should feel like i've accomplished so many things, instead of just one thing. so it begins....for january my goal is to be less negative. so this whole month, when i'm about to say something negative, i should say something positive instead...or nothing at all. i'm curious to see if by the end of this month, i will have a more positive outlook on things.

ThiNk PoSiTiVe.