...it always seems kinda sad the day after Christmas

well, Christmas was wonderful this year! i loved watching my little girl's face light up with every present she opened. we did the jump around thing, which i will admit was a bit much, but was totally worth it for Kailyn's sake. i always love the excitement of Christmas day...everyone is joyful, all is well with the world, and no one can take that feeling away. but then you wake up the next morning and your like 'ugh...it's really over...?'. it's unfortunate. then you realize the year is coming to an end and you get all nostalgic about the past year and what your major turning points were....yata yata. i'm past that now. i'm on to the 'a new year, a new start' feeling. the point where you really think this next year will bring about change you couldn't even imagine and something incredible will happen to make you happy. i'm holding on to that as long as i can...it usually fades around March.

Christmas Eve.

"from now on our troubles will be miles away..."

with Christmas only 5 days away the holiday spirit is in full swing around these parts. the light poles are boasting wreaths and ribbons as well as doors at local establishments. there is the familiar sound of Christmas music playing across the loud speakers at every store we enter and the sweet tidings of someone dressed as Santa ringing a bell as we leave. every coffee house in town smells like peppermint and chocolate and everyone seems to be dressed in red and green. this time of year brings with it traditions and memories of all sorts. one of which i have already began to share with my daughter. that is the memory of baking for what seemed like the whole month of December when i was younger. i remember it starting the week after thanksgiving, like clockwork every year. we would bake cookies first, then a cake, then a pie, then we'd make divinity or fudge or chocolate covered pretzels (my favorite). and this would go on and on until all our baking supplies were no more and Christmas was upon us. i've done my best to carry this tradition on with Kailyn this year, as much as my schedule has permitted, but i think i've done a pretty good job of showing her how much fun this tradition is. her favorite was sugar cookies cut into Christmas shapes. she was so big, rolling out the dough, cutting the shapes out, and laying them on the cookie sheet all by herself. all i could do was stand back and thank the Lord for this wonderful child to share the holiday wonder with. i love this time of year!

my baby girl baking.

she ran off with that Santa with no pants on.....

i'm not one to usually go out on the town, in fact i don't...ever. so of course the one night i break down my walls and decide to live life a little more....we come walking out of the last bar around 2am to find that our car had been towed. and to make matters worse...all our belongings...purses, phones, jackets, etc. were in the trunk. ...after a very long night of waiting for a ride in the freezing cold and helping a friend puke out the window the whole ride home while her friend was passed out on me, we finally got home around 5am and to bed around 6am....then my daughter woke up around 7:45am......needless to say, i think i'm pretty scarred for a while, i don't think i'll go out like that again unless my hubby is with me. it was definitely one to chalk up to the experience book. hopefully one day i will open up to that page and get a good laugh....yep. not to say the whole night was a bust, it was fun for a good while....just not my cup of tea. i still don't get how we lost one of the girls we were with because she ran off with some guy dressed like Santa, only he didn't have any pants on....still don't understand the humor in that??? i don't like being so tired i want to sleep only half way through the night, and i'm not a fan of having to wake up to responsibility an hour after i get to sleep. so...with that...i probably won't be hitting the town again anytime soon.

the gals.

loved it, posted it

...you can always count on friends for good memories around the holidays.

oh the weather outside is....

pretty much the same....i'm bummed. everyone got snow, but nope, not here in college town, tx. a few flurries here and there, but not anything like they got back home...oh well, i shouldn't complain...we did go to West Virginia last Christmas and we got to experience REAL snow! i've decided i want to live in a little town in Colorado...close to a ski town. really laid back, easy living...that would be nice. i'll have to write that down on my list of things to accomplish in the next 5 years. well, even though it didn't snow here...it's still very very cold which makes me very very happy! hot chocolate and snuggling to follow...

ChRiStMaS TiMe iS HeRe

HaPPiNeSS & CHeeR

sometimes...

well, a lot of times...some song lyrics will help me feel strong in a moment when i'm feeling really weak and helpless. most of the time, i'm just wallowing in my own self pity...stupid nonsense that i realize is so ridiculous the next morning. i think its the silence at night that gets to me. the quiet loneliness...anyway, back to what i was saying. "happy" by leona lewis is one of those songs. and i feel like a complete doof for even mentioning this, but sometimes when i listen to that song i just feel like i can accomplish the things i want to and i don't have to just sit back and watch my goals and aspirations diminish. i know i am capable of attaining the things i want in life, i know i am strong enough to face the challenges and deal with all the bumps in the road life throws at me...but sometimes i lose sight of that....sometimes i feel weak, like this is the most my life will ever be. i know i'm a damn good mother, but i also know i can be damn good at a lot of other things as well. i want to take chances, i want to do something with my life. i am so tired of sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for the rest of my life to begin...i just need to figure out my next step. ...it's amazing how so many thoughts poor into my head from just listening to one little song.

i don't feel a year older...

yep. today is indeed my birthday. i'm 23. young at heart, young at life. it was uneventful...well unless you count the 7am wake up call from my 2 year old who decided to make a painting on our kitchen floor using ketchup, dressing, salad toppings, and jelly....it smelled awful to say the least. other than that it was the same old thing...hubby had school...then hubby had work. we did manage to put our Christmas tree up in between his busy schedule and his attempt to get some video gaming in before work. the rest of my evening was spent lighting candles, baking cupcakes for myself, and attempting to relax...best i could considering my daughter decided tonight of all nights she would get out of bed every 5 minutes. ....she's finally asleep...the candles smell good...my hubby got off work early!...and i'm enjoying my cupcakes. this birthday turned out pretty good.

at the end of the day...

i clamour up the energy to put my daughter to bed at a decent hour, i then drag myself away from my unusually calm child to make my way back to the living room where i plop down in our big comfy chair and survey the mess that is so unbelievably hard to ignore. everyday. exactly the same. i send a text and wait to hear from my hubby, see when he's coming home. which i already know will be after midnight...so i get online, check out what my friends are up to, which always seems to make me feel worse, simply because they are all out enjoying themselves, most of the time dancing or traveling all the while wearing super cute clothes that i can only dream of owning. they aren't looking at what seems to be a disaster area in front of them, deciding the best plan of action for the cleaning that is so inevitably going to take place the next morning. or trying to regain their strength after yet another day of struggling with a two year old who thinks she's older than she really is. i find myself getting lost in my thoughts so much these days. things i wish i was doing. places i wish i was. that sort of thing...the though of maybe one day fulfilling one of my day dreams kind of helps me keep going. it would undoubtedly be a long way in the future, but still...its a string. all be it a short one, its still something to hold onto. sometimes i just sit there...lost in my head. it's only broken by my child repeating the word "mommy! mommy! MOMMY!" in a very loud babied voice. then its back to reality. day to day...hour to hour...minute to minute..........please something break the monotony.

can't sit here...

...and watch this life pass me by. i have just been feeling so useless and out of touch with life lately. i need something to drive me, something to be my motivation, because in the last few months, i've felt numb. i wouldn't say unhappy...maybe sometimes, but mostly...just numb. i want to have fun, be adventurous, use this potential that is just bottled up inside of me. there are so many things i want to do and accomplish and learn and be...yet i sit here day after day stuck in the same routine that ends at the same time everyday where i am left to sulk in my boredem. don't get me wrong, i love spending time with my daughter, but i know i am capable of doing that and so much more. its wearing on me to see everyone else go out and accomplish their dreams while i sit here...day in day out...i have so much to give and no outlet.

sweet & simple

don't get me wrong, i had a great weekend. but at the same time it was stressful and tiring and by tonight i was just about on my last string. i was hurting and drowsy and tired and dragging...and then my little girl asked to get in a moon bounce at the fall festival we were at. she climbed in there all big even though she was the smallest child in there, her face lit up and she looked around in wonder. the other kids were jumping all over the place and she was just sitting there not sure what to do. i yelled in there and said "Kailyn, jump up and down, like on the bed!" she looked at me and in an instant she was just....i don't even know the word for it....she had the biggest smile on her face and was giggling so loud i could hear it outside. and in that moment, everything i was feeling just washed away...all i could see was my little girl so happy and so full of life and i wanted to be a part of that moment. and i was. it was the sweetest thing i've ever seen. and just like that, she turned my night around. i wasn't tired anymore, i wasn't hurting...instead i enjoyed myself and spent the evening embracing the child within. i love my daughter. and i love the things she teaches me.

pumpkin making

painting it pink

messy paint hands

her princess pumpkin

if there is one thing i've learned it's that it is okay for my child to get messy, because i can always give her a bath, it's okay for her to make a mess, because when she does, i know she's having fun. and it can always be cleaned up. this one was messy, but it was full of memories. that in itself was worth the cleaning up i had to do later.

PuMpKiNs

we went to a pumpkin patch yesterday and kailyn LOVED it! i had a great time watching her run around picking up little pumpkins and pointing out the big ones. i love seeing her get so excited over something as simple as pumpkins. then when we got home i let her help me hollow it out. at first she didn't like the feeling of the seeds and insides she would say "ewwww that so yucky! mommy, you do it!" but after a while she came around and had it all over her. she really enjoyed helping me clean the seeds and toast them, she tried them for the first time and she liked them a lot. after that i asked her what she wanted to do to the pumpkin and she said she wanted to paint it pink. so we did! haha.

pb&j

relationships are like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. each piece of bread represents a spouse, the peanut butter represents the love and attention, the shared moments together and the growth as a couple, the jelly represents all the bad things, the stress, the arguments, yata yata...when you put the peanut butter on, you lay it on thick, its good and there can almost never be too much peanut butter. now the jelly on the other hand, you put too much jelly on and it ruins the whole sandwich, you put just enough jelly and it gives the sandwich character. when bites are taken out of the sandwich, the sandwich changes shape and seems different, but on the inside its the same as when the sandwich was made, except the jelly tends to squirt out the sides leaving mostly peanut butter. which is pretty good.

swept up

there is a major battle going on inside of me between what matters and what doesn't. i feel like i've lost sight of what i am meant to do and i have fallen victim to life. the stupid, unimportant, stressful, aspects of life that shape you into the mold of this world. i don't want to be a mold of this world. i want to be a mold of what the Lord wants me to be, something not of this world. i can't figure out where this turn occured or when i gave up and let myself fall into the routine of uselessness. i have so many opportunities around me and so many ways i can make a difference, and yet i sit here and pitty myself over stupid things like having no tv or being too tired to clean the kitchen. what is wrong with me?! i was on this path laid down by the Lord and then in an instant, an instant i can't even put my finger on, i'm fighting my way through branches and tripping over rocks on completely pointless paths to follow. now i'm scared my gps won't work and i won't find my way back to the path i was on to begin with. i have these moments where its like everything just stops, like those slow motion moments in movies, and i just sit there and think to myself, 'when did i become this person?'...'when did i lose sight of what's important?'...and then like that i'm out of my moment and the world is spinning at insane speeds and i'm pulled back into the whirlwind of this life. i tell my husband all the time to have faith, to just forget about the stress and the negative and to just trust that things will work out. why is it so easy for me to say that and believe it when it comes to our struggles in life, but when it comes to the struggles going on inside of me, its like i can't find that strength. i think too much. what happened to prayer? it works...so why can't i trust in it like i used to?

unable to name the feeling

i applied. again. so we will see what the Lord has in store for me. i have to say i am secretly praying that i will get in. i want this so bad. but at the same time i'm worried about how this could affect Kailyn. the last thing i want to be is selfish, i'm afraid this is me being selfish. maybe not. i want to get a degree so i can help her. i don't know. i just need to stop thinking and keep praying. it's not up to me anyway. it's in the Lord's hands and with that i need to push it out of my head and just rely on my God. He knows what is in my heart and He also knows what's best for me better than i know myself. i become so unsure and unaware of myself so easily. i'm done with that. i should have all the confidence in the world through my Lord. i need to work on that.

off subject: something new i want to try...

i want to try very hard to do at least one arts & craft project with Kailyn a week this fall...

i want to have at least one movie night a month with my hubby...

i want to go to church every sunday...

i want to just stop and relax at least one time a day...

and i want to focus on what is best for my family, not what everyone else thinks is best for us.

i'm hoping if i do these few things, life will be a little less stressful. but most of all i really need to devote myself to prayer each day. without God, none of this will make any difference.

they're called tent sales

so certain retail stores in college station do these things called tshirt tent sales. basically there are a bunch a tents set up on home game weekends and they sell their tshirts for $5 to $7 and their other items for cheaper. i am obsessed. great aggie shirts...cheap prices...all over town just about every other weekend. its perfection. oh! and hoodies for $15! that's amazing! anyway...i just had to share. i don't think i'll ever shop at a store again.

on another note. i'm exploiting my child. haha. i entered her in the gap casting call contest so go vote for her she's under the name Kailyn M. submitted by smilebyfaith. you can vote once a day! she's too cute not to show off.

DaiLy ReMiNdeRs

Kailyn came up to me and started to take off my slippers, i went "Kailyn, what are you doing? Mommy is wearing those...". She took both of them off and grabbed one of my feet and i said, "Kailyn, what are you doing?" and she pulled out a baby wipe and said, "I'm washing mommy's feet." ...at that moment, all i could do was think of Jesus. I'm reminded by the Lord everyday just how blessed i am to have my Kailyn girl.

OuTdOoR AdVeNTuReS

we went to the park today to have a picnic and let kailyn run around! she had so much fun! i haven't seen her giggle and run around like that since we've moved here, that made me so happy to see her happy like that. it made me think that maybe i should take her to a park at least 4 times a month, i could even put her in her stroller and make it a walk outing. poor thing, she's 2 and she's been cooped up in this apartment for a while, i think its time we start exploring the town and giving her some outside enjoyment. we could even go up to the campus and walk around. haha everytime we pass by kyle field she yells "go aggies wall!!!" she's so cute. i'm having a lot of fun spending time with her and today has to have been one of the best days since we've moved here!

TiNy ThiNgS

me and kailyn had a good round of singing princess songs the other day, it was so fun! some times i really like to just act like i'm her age again and enjoy life the same way she does. it makes me feel like i'm young and innocent again...no care in the world. nothing to worry about, nothing to keep my mind preoccupied. i love moments like that. she'll ask me to come dance with her in her room some times, i get the same feeling when i follow her in there and twirl around with her. that smile on her face makes me just fall in love with that feeling. it's beautiful.

something i didn't plan on having a problem with was balancing my love and attention between my daughter and my hubby, but lately, as it was pointed out to me in a late night disagreement, i have been focusing much more attention and love towards my daughter. who knew it would be so hard to notice the line? i figured if i started leaning more towards one side i'd realize it right away and just revert right back to the middle. yeah...not so much. i really need to sit back and re-evaluate how i'm handling things, because the last thing i want to do is neglect my hubby. i want things to be wonderful between me and my hubby so i definitely need to do something about this. maybe i need to be a little more spontaneous and a give him more kisses during the day. or maybe i need to lighten up and realize i'm not going to be perfect at this whole stay at home mom thing and just enjoy time with him during the day. yep...that sounds good.

PRaYeR iS GooD

so after much thought and prayer, i've decided to wait on the whole going back to school thing. it will happen, i know that for sure, i just don't think right now is the time. i need to be a good supportive wife to my hubby finishing up his degree. the last thing he needs is me competing for study time. i need to be here to make things as easy on him as possible so he can focus on his studying and work. i'm happy with that, because now i'm back to my original challenge anyway. i'm learning slowly to embrace this time as a stay-at-home mom. it's becoming something for me to work at, i'm developing a routine. i hope to have this mommy thing down to an art form. almost like a dance, something that looks so fluent that others can look at me and say, "wow, she's a great mom!". i envision myself placing a hot pan of dinner on the table, turning around and grabbing the high chair in a single movement, putting it in place and quickly lifting Kailyn into her chair, shortly followed by me serving the family their dinner. i know its a little far fetched, but i have the hot pan of dinner and high chair part down already, the rest needs work. seriously though, i want to be an amazing mom and the only way to achieve that is through practice. i look forward to every day with my little one, she's the most fun i've had in a while!

WheN DoEs ThE AppLiCaTiOn PeRioD EnD???

so i'm feeling kind of weird because my hubby, along with thousands of other college students, are starting the new school year tomorrow. this is the first semester i have not been in school, so this feels a little strange to me. i have to say i'm feeling a little left out. i know i'm trying to embrace this whole stay at home mom thing, but there is such a big part of me that just wants to finish school first. i want to be in school...i know i'm being selfish, but its so hard to watch everyone else around me to go back to school while i spend my days cleaning the apartment and being a mommy. not to say i don't love spending time with my daughter, i just feel like i have so much inside of me, so much of me still wants to learn and grow. i'm trying to be patient. i know the Lord wants me to go back to school and have a career, i feel it, i feel this tug at my heart. but i don't know when. i don't know where or how. i just know its there. i want to go to A&M so bad! to be able to go to school with my hubby and graduate from the same college would be awesome, but i don't know if that's where the Lord wants me to go...and i don't know if i could get in. i'm going to try to apply again for this spring semester coming up, just to see if the Lord is leading me back to school now, but if not, then i will know if i don't get in. it's just so hard for me to feel like i should be in school, while at the same time feeling like my daughter needs me to be with her right now. i could do both, its definitely possible. i just have to wait and see if the Lord wants me to do that. my hubby wants me to go back to school, he believes in me and my goals and dreams. i love him for that. with his support i'm sure we could make this work. i guess i need to start working on my spring application!

RaiN

today me and Kailyn sat on our patio and watched the rain. it was so peaceful just watching the rain fall and feeling the slight breeze in the midst of the humidity. i watched her run around and giggle every time a rain drop fell on her. and she would stick her hands through the railing and let the rain clean her hands. the moment was so innocent and so sweet, i couldn't help but smile. it's times like that moment, i realize just how little Kailyn is. i love that i have this time to enjoy my daughter while she is still young. it is so special and so amazing. sometimes she will just stop in the middle of playing and or running around giggling and she will just smile at me and every once in a while she will give me a hug and thank me. she doesn't have a specific thing to thank me for, she just says "thank you mommy". i love that. i love that she appreciates me. i couldn't ask for a better payment for what i do every day.

i LoVe My LiTTLe FaMiLy

the Lord has blessed me with the most wonderful husband and daughter. i praise Him.

My HuBBy

today is my hubby's birthday! every year around this time i always think back to when we were dating (this was before i moved up to CS) i would drive up to college station to visit him every weekend and i just remember being so happy and feeling so free. it was just me and steven. that was about 3 years ago. i remember coming up to college station one weekend, which happened to be on his birthday, and i remember surprising him with an electric guitar. he was so excited. that was definitely a good weekend.

he's been asking me to do things today like get him more water, or make lunch for him, little things, but when i hesitate even the slightest, he'll say, "it's my birthday..." and he will smile. lol needless to say, he's had a pretty good birthday of doing absolutely nothing but sit in his chair and watch tv. oh how things have changed. hahaha. i do love him so.

years go by like minutes...

as everyone sent their children off to school today and posted their stories and hopes that their child will have a good first day...it made me realize that in a couple of years Kailyn will be going to kindergarden. i'm amazed at how fast time has gone by. about 2 years ago i couldn't imagine my child walking or talking and now i'm looking at her dancing and singing and telling me all about every single things she does during the day. am i allowed to be a little sad when she goes to school? i'm going to miss her during the day...haha i'm talking like its tomorrow. it just goes by so fast. it makes me realize how precious this time is now. the simplicity of sitting on the floor and playing tea party or dancing around the living room playing princess. i'm going miss that. i'm learning to just embrace those moments, so that later on when i look back instead of wishing i had taken the time to enjoy my child, i will know that i did. she's the most amazing thing that has happened to me and i thank the Lord for blessing me with her. even though society calls it the "terrible twos", i have to say, the twos can be quite wonderful! you just have to embrace the moment and enjoy it.

NaP TiMe

i always look forward to Kailyn's nap time, mainly because i get to sit down and relax, even nap myself sometimes. like today. but i've noticed recently that after she's been asleep for about an hour and a half, i start to miss her. i almost want her to walk out of her room and come jump in my lap like she usually does. it's so weird because i remember when she was a little younger i would squeeze every last ounce of her nap time that i could, but lately i've been checking on her or opening her door because i'm ready for her to wake up and come play again. when she wakes up she walks out of her room and looks at me with a smile, her hair all sweaty and messy, and she says, "Kailyn sleep good mommy!" and then she walks over to me and climbs up on to my lap and just sits and enjoys her wake up time with mommy. i love it. that's my favorite part of the day.

today was a good day.

dishes, laundry, and movies

something i've learned so far from being a stay at home mom is that the dishes and laundry NEVER end! i can't tell you how many loads of dishes i've had to do in the last 2 weeks...and laundry is the same way. i feel like i'm folding all the time! where does it come from??? i mean, i have a 2 year old, so i know all the stuff she dirties up gets washed. maybe she just dirties a lot of stuff...and my husband just kind of leaves things on the floor. socks....everywhere! he doesn't even wear shoes half the time! i don't get it.

i have also learned that a 2 year old can watch the same movie 3 times without getting bored of it. how do they do that? i'm ready to turn it off within the first 10 minutes. i have now seen Bolt, Princess Bride, and Cars way more times than i had ever wanted to. but she's so cute when she laughs at the funny parts, its so hard not to put it on. every morning its the same thing...she wakes up around 7am, comes into our room and says, "mommy...wake up! juice! Kailyn watch Cars! come help..." when i don't respond she yells, "mommy, c'mon!!!" lol she's the cutest little girl ever!

8-22-09

i've never done one of these things...i think this will be a good outlet for me since i'm going to have some extra time on my hands. i've been a college student since 2005, but now we have moved back up to college station and i'm a stay at home mom so my husband can finish up his bach. degree at A&M. i'm so proud of him and i'm definately behind him 100% even if that means taking a break from school until he's done. its going to be hard for me, but at the same time it will be good for me and my daughter. i love school and i can't wait to go back and finish up my bach degree...but for now i'm doing what the Lord is telling me to do, being a stay at home for my daughter and be a supportive wife to my husband. i've learned something new everyday...and i'm excited to share the story of one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life, learning how to rely on God and embracing my life as a stay at home mom.