sweet & simple

don't get me wrong, i had a great weekend. but at the same time it was stressful and tiring and by tonight i was just about on my last string. i was hurting and drowsy and tired and dragging...and then my little girl asked to get in a moon bounce at the fall festival we were at. she climbed in there all big even though she was the smallest child in there, her face lit up and she looked around in wonder. the other kids were jumping all over the place and she was just sitting there not sure what to do. i yelled in there and said "Kailyn, jump up and down, like on the bed!" she looked at me and in an instant she was just....i don't even know the word for it....she had the biggest smile on her face and was giggling so loud i could hear it outside. and in that moment, everything i was feeling just washed away...all i could see was my little girl so happy and so full of life and i wanted to be a part of that moment. and i was. it was the sweetest thing i've ever seen. and just like that, she turned my night around. i wasn't tired anymore, i wasn't hurting...instead i enjoyed myself and spent the evening embracing the child within. i love my daughter. and i love the things she teaches me.

pumpkin making

painting it pink

messy paint hands

her princess pumpkin

if there is one thing i've learned it's that it is okay for my child to get messy, because i can always give her a bath, it's okay for her to make a mess, because when she does, i know she's having fun. and it can always be cleaned up. this one was messy, but it was full of memories. that in itself was worth the cleaning up i had to do later.

PuMpKiNs

we went to a pumpkin patch yesterday and kailyn LOVED it! i had a great time watching her run around picking up little pumpkins and pointing out the big ones. i love seeing her get so excited over something as simple as pumpkins. then when we got home i let her help me hollow it out. at first she didn't like the feeling of the seeds and insides she would say "ewwww that so yucky! mommy, you do it!" but after a while she came around and had it all over her. she really enjoyed helping me clean the seeds and toast them, she tried them for the first time and she liked them a lot. after that i asked her what she wanted to do to the pumpkin and she said she wanted to paint it pink. so we did! haha.

pb&j

relationships are like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. each piece of bread represents a spouse, the peanut butter represents the love and attention, the shared moments together and the growth as a couple, the jelly represents all the bad things, the stress, the arguments, yata yata...when you put the peanut butter on, you lay it on thick, its good and there can almost never be too much peanut butter. now the jelly on the other hand, you put too much jelly on and it ruins the whole sandwich, you put just enough jelly and it gives the sandwich character. when bites are taken out of the sandwich, the sandwich changes shape and seems different, but on the inside its the same as when the sandwich was made, except the jelly tends to squirt out the sides leaving mostly peanut butter. which is pretty good.

swept up

there is a major battle going on inside of me between what matters and what doesn't. i feel like i've lost sight of what i am meant to do and i have fallen victim to life. the stupid, unimportant, stressful, aspects of life that shape you into the mold of this world. i don't want to be a mold of this world. i want to be a mold of what the Lord wants me to be, something not of this world. i can't figure out where this turn occured or when i gave up and let myself fall into the routine of uselessness. i have so many opportunities around me and so many ways i can make a difference, and yet i sit here and pitty myself over stupid things like having no tv or being too tired to clean the kitchen. what is wrong with me?! i was on this path laid down by the Lord and then in an instant, an instant i can't even put my finger on, i'm fighting my way through branches and tripping over rocks on completely pointless paths to follow. now i'm scared my gps won't work and i won't find my way back to the path i was on to begin with. i have these moments where its like everything just stops, like those slow motion moments in movies, and i just sit there and think to myself, 'when did i become this person?'...'when did i lose sight of what's important?'...and then like that i'm out of my moment and the world is spinning at insane speeds and i'm pulled back into the whirlwind of this life. i tell my husband all the time to have faith, to just forget about the stress and the negative and to just trust that things will work out. why is it so easy for me to say that and believe it when it comes to our struggles in life, but when it comes to the struggles going on inside of me, its like i can't find that strength. i think too much. what happened to prayer? it works...so why can't i trust in it like i used to?

unable to name the feeling

i applied. again. so we will see what the Lord has in store for me. i have to say i am secretly praying that i will get in. i want this so bad. but at the same time i'm worried about how this could affect Kailyn. the last thing i want to be is selfish, i'm afraid this is me being selfish. maybe not. i want to get a degree so i can help her. i don't know. i just need to stop thinking and keep praying. it's not up to me anyway. it's in the Lord's hands and with that i need to push it out of my head and just rely on my God. He knows what is in my heart and He also knows what's best for me better than i know myself. i become so unsure and unaware of myself so easily. i'm done with that. i should have all the confidence in the world through my Lord. i need to work on that.

off subject: something new i want to try...

i want to try very hard to do at least one arts & craft project with Kailyn a week this fall...

i want to have at least one movie night a month with my hubby...

i want to go to church every sunday...

i want to just stop and relax at least one time a day...

and i want to focus on what is best for my family, not what everyone else thinks is best for us.

i'm hoping if i do these few things, life will be a little less stressful. but most of all i really need to devote myself to prayer each day. without God, none of this will make any difference.

they're called tent sales

so certain retail stores in college station do these things called tshirt tent sales. basically there are a bunch a tents set up on home game weekends and they sell their tshirts for $5 to $7 and their other items for cheaper. i am obsessed. great aggie shirts...cheap prices...all over town just about every other weekend. its perfection. oh! and hoodies for $15! that's amazing! anyway...i just had to share. i don't think i'll ever shop at a store again.

on another note. i'm exploiting my child. haha. i entered her in the gap casting call contest so go vote for her she's under the name Kailyn M. submitted by smilebyfaith. you can vote once a day! she's too cute not to show off.