ChRiStMaS TiMe iS HeRe

HaPPiNeSS & CHeeR

sometimes...

well, a lot of times...some song lyrics will help me feel strong in a moment when i'm feeling really weak and helpless. most of the time, i'm just wallowing in my own self pity...stupid nonsense that i realize is so ridiculous the next morning. i think its the silence at night that gets to me. the quiet loneliness...anyway, back to what i was saying. "happy" by leona lewis is one of those songs. and i feel like a complete doof for even mentioning this, but sometimes when i listen to that song i just feel like i can accomplish the things i want to and i don't have to just sit back and watch my goals and aspirations diminish. i know i am capable of attaining the things i want in life, i know i am strong enough to face the challenges and deal with all the bumps in the road life throws at me...but sometimes i lose sight of that....sometimes i feel weak, like this is the most my life will ever be. i know i'm a damn good mother, but i also know i can be damn good at a lot of other things as well. i want to take chances, i want to do something with my life. i am so tired of sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for the rest of my life to begin...i just need to figure out my next step. ...it's amazing how so many thoughts poor into my head from just listening to one little song.

i don't feel a year older...

yep. today is indeed my birthday. i'm 23. young at heart, young at life. it was uneventful...well unless you count the 7am wake up call from my 2 year old who decided to make a painting on our kitchen floor using ketchup, dressing, salad toppings, and jelly....it smelled awful to say the least. other than that it was the same old thing...hubby had school...then hubby had work. we did manage to put our Christmas tree up in between his busy schedule and his attempt to get some video gaming in before work. the rest of my evening was spent lighting candles, baking cupcakes for myself, and attempting to relax...best i could considering my daughter decided tonight of all nights she would get out of bed every 5 minutes. ....she's finally asleep...the candles smell good...my hubby got off work early!...and i'm enjoying my cupcakes. this birthday turned out pretty good.

at the end of the day...

i clamour up the energy to put my daughter to bed at a decent hour, i then drag myself away from my unusually calm child to make my way back to the living room where i plop down in our big comfy chair and survey the mess that is so unbelievably hard to ignore. everyday. exactly the same. i send a text and wait to hear from my hubby, see when he's coming home. which i already know will be after midnight...so i get online, check out what my friends are up to, which always seems to make me feel worse, simply because they are all out enjoying themselves, most of the time dancing or traveling all the while wearing super cute clothes that i can only dream of owning. they aren't looking at what seems to be a disaster area in front of them, deciding the best plan of action for the cleaning that is so inevitably going to take place the next morning. or trying to regain their strength after yet another day of struggling with a two year old who thinks she's older than she really is. i find myself getting lost in my thoughts so much these days. things i wish i was doing. places i wish i was. that sort of thing...the though of maybe one day fulfilling one of my day dreams kind of helps me keep going. it would undoubtedly be a long way in the future, but still...its a string. all be it a short one, its still something to hold onto. sometimes i just sit there...lost in my head. it's only broken by my child repeating the word "mommy! mommy! MOMMY!" in a very loud babied voice. then its back to reality. day to day...hour to hour...minute to minute..........please something break the monotony.

can't sit here...

...and watch this life pass me by. i have just been feeling so useless and out of touch with life lately. i need something to drive me, something to be my motivation, because in the last few months, i've felt numb. i wouldn't say unhappy...maybe sometimes, but mostly...just numb. i want to have fun, be adventurous, use this potential that is just bottled up inside of me. there are so many things i want to do and accomplish and learn and be...yet i sit here day after day stuck in the same routine that ends at the same time everyday where i am left to sulk in my boredem. don't get me wrong, i love spending time with my daughter, but i know i am capable of doing that and so much more. its wearing on me to see everyone else go out and accomplish their dreams while i sit here...day in day out...i have so much to give and no outlet.